The Rear Admiral: A Success Story
by legendary esquilax
Summary: A vulgar little fic featuring Faust. There's a lot of profanity but no lemon content or yaoi. Did I mention that Faust is in it? Some may find it offensive so read at your own discretion.


Disclaimer: I don't own GGX, any of it's characters or any songs that might appear down there.

A/N: This story is rather vulgar so I'll warn you about that now. Please don't send me any hate-mail accusing me of corrupting your innocence or some ridiculous shit like that. Oh, and as you can probably already tell there is much profanity in this. Enjoy!

The Rear Admiral: A Success Story

1: Enter The Doctor

Faust was a puzzle. Too crazy for queer town and too much of a queer for crazy town, the enema-toting doctor was an outcast. The others shunned him. They said he was a queer pervert. That wasn't entirely false but it certainly wasn't true either. What's a little ass now and then? Faust did not think he was so different. His urges were not so different from the others. They simply manifested in unorthodox ways. He was… misunderstood. Yes! He liked the sound of that.

Misunderstood. By now he'd grown to accept that. Such was the fate of any ass-stabbing doctor, to be shunned and hated by all. Still he wished the little boys and girls wouldn't flee at the mere sight of his face… er, paper bag. If they would only take the time to talk to him, they'd know about the sensitive, delicate soul underneath his crazy molesty exterior. Besides, their asses were too small and undeveloped for his tastes anyway. The others though, especially Potemkin, now there was a set of asses you could really sink your scalpel into.

Slowly he drifted down into a quaint, picturesque town square, his umbrella in one hand and a medical purse in the other. Not for a second mistaking him for Mary Poppins (aka. the annual gift bringer as Santa Claus had gone out of style) the children all fled the streets in holy terror. That was another thing that bothered him. Why did no one ever mistake him for Marry Poppins or even her cheap Norwegian substitute? He had the freaking umbrella and that was half the charm of that old hag! But he would not let that bother him today for he was feeling supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Today he would become a businessman. Then those lousy good for nothings would see that Faust was the superior one and they were the failures. Don't fuck with the Faust because the Faust will always come out on top. And Millia, sweet Millia would finally be his. Promptly he took out a photograph of her from the inside of his white coat and licked it with gusto before shoving it back in for future use.

Oh Millia! Somehow she had resisted the sex appeal of a tall doctor. Well there was no way she could resist the sexy combo of tall doctor gatlinged into rich businessman. Why, that was almost too sexy!

Certainly, none of them could come close to his success once his enterprise got off the ground… well except maybe Johnny because he was rich pirate bastard but he was a promiscuous little shit that could never treat sweet Millia right. Nice ass though.

Enough time spent on introspection. It was time to open the store!

2: The Neon Claws of Gamblore

Ky Kiske sat glumly at the round table, a cooling bowl of clam chowder before him, inciting many hushed whispers and puzzled stares. Why was such a handsome young man sitting alone inside on this fine, sunny day… in nothing but his boxers? The women didn't mind though and simply stared at him with hearts in their eyes; some of the men stared too, with something considerably different in their pants. Ky didn't notice any of this though and continued staring glumly at the door.

He sighed and on cue, the door swung open. Enter Sol Badguy, followed by Johnny, and then May, and then Millia, and then Zato, Baiken, Anji, Axl, and then finally Potemkin who tore out the door frame with his massive shoulders. All attention turned towards the strange people.

"Thank you all for coming," Ky said, motioning for them to sit and they did. Well, all except for Potemkin who just stood. He really didn't have much choice. "I'm eternally grateful."

"Hey, no problem!" said May hanging on Johnny's arm, who was busy ogling Millia.

"Why so glum Ky?" Anji asked, noticing Ky's downtrodden expression. "Be happy! It's a beautiful day, things are finally peaceful, Dizzy is safe and we're all friends… Zato's incompetent! What could be wrong?"

"Well I… stop that!" Ky batted away Zato's hands as they rubbed down his chest.

"I'm sorry," Zato said, not sounding the least bit sorry. "But where are your clothes?"

"Well you see," Ky said turning red. "I um…"

"Well what? Just spit it out already," snapped an irritable Millia, backhanding Johnny in the process whose face had leaned to close.

"I have a gambling problem!" Ky cried, bursting into a fit of sobs. "I lost everything! My position, my rank, my money, Thunderseal, even my clothes! These boxers are all I have left and they haven't been washed in three days!"

Everyone scooted a back a few feet except Baiken, sipping tea, who was as unperturbed as always.

Taking her attention away from her tea for a moment, she snorted in disdain, "What's your point? My underpants haven't been washed in a week."

This bit of unsavory news only seemed to make Ky cry harder, "Oh god! I'm a disgrace to the order!"

"There there, there there," Potemkin said, patting him on the shoulder.

"Am [sob] I [sob] going [sob] to hell?"

"Yes you are," Potemkin said.

"Tea?" Anji asked, refilling his cup.

"Thank you," Ky muttered between sobs. "Oh god I'm such a failure!"

"There there," Potemkin patted his shoulder again.

"Here, have a hankie," Axl said, passing him a plain white handkerchief. "My old girlfriend used to cry a lot so I carry a lot of these around." A faraway expression crossed his eyes. "Oh how I miss her."

"Thank you," Ky said, blowing his nose gratefully.

Just then Jam sashayed up to the table hoisting two steaming trays of mouth-watering Chinese dishes.

"So you guys finally arrived," Jam said as she set the table. Noticing Ky crying in his boxers, she wasted no in jumping into his lap.

"Aw, there there Kylie!" Jam said, trying to wipe away his tears in a seductive manner. "Jammy Jam's here now!"

A hand began to softly fondle her breast.

"Oh Kylie, that feels so good!" she murmured with her eyes closed.

"What are you talking about Jam?" Ky asked, still sniffling.

"Jam, is that you?" Zato asked. Jam's eyes shot open.

"EWWW!!! ZATO WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" Jam kicked Zato in the testicles who collapsed onto the floor writhing in pain.

"Sometimes I hate being blind," Zato squeaked, clutching his injured groin. Jam turned her attention back to Ky.

"Now Kylie tell Jammy Jam all about it and Jammy Jam will make it better," she said, fingering his bare chest.

"Well, I think I have a gambling problem," the admission of his problem caused him to burst into a batch of fresh new tears. "I've lost everything! These dirty boxers are all I have left and I still want to gamble!"

"Gamble eh? Dirty boxers eh?" a devious smile crossed her lips. "I'll be right back."

Everyone looked at her confusion as she ran off into some obscure dark room in the corner.

"Moving on…" Johnny said.

"It's wonderful that you have gambling problems but what the hell did you call us here for?" Sol stated venomously. "We're not your personal therapy circle. There's nothing we can do for you."

"I have to agree with Sol," Millia said, wrenching her hair away from Johnny who found rubbing it against his face to his liking.

"Don't worry Ky, I'm here for you," Potemkin said, patting his shoulder.

"Actually, I was wondering if I could borrow some money."

Everyone's eyes turned to Johnny.

"What? Just because I'm a pirate everyone suddenly expects me to have money?"

"Well, yes," Anji said.

"I swear by my honour to pay you back!" Ky said, his eyes pleading at Johnny.

"No offense Ky, but your honour isn't worth much right now," May said, clinging even more tightly to a visibly uncomfortable Johnny.

"Um… then I swear by… by… I swear by my dirty boxers to repay your kindness!"

Everyone shuddered.

"No thanks Ky. Besides, I'm broke. I spent all my money on repairs for the ship."

Ky looked around at the others, they just shook their heads and shrugged.

"Damn it! Why don't I have any fucking rich friends?" Ky burst out uncharacteristically, before lapsing back into a sobbing fit.

"There there, there there," Potemkin said, patting him on the back.

"Hey speaking of fucking I just got a great idea!" Johnny exclaimed. "Now don't take this the wrong way but you're an attractive young guy…"

Ky paused a moment from his crying to blush at this.

"… we could whore you off for millions!"

"Oh Johnny! You're so smart…" May said dreamily, hearts in her eyes.

"I most surely am babe! Hey, what do the rest of you think?"

"I think it's a great idea!" Anji said. "If I were a woman, I'd sleep with him. Wouldn't you Baiken."

"Don't be stupid," was her simple reply.

"I agree with Anji," Axl said. "If my old girlfriend weren't so in love with me, she'd sleep with him too!"

"But…" Ky began to protest but his voice couldn't be heard above the noise of the din.

"There there," Potemkin said. "Now you know the feeling of horrible loneliness that is my everyday life."

"What do you think Sol?" Johnny asked. Sol, who was busy chipping away at the table with his Fireseal, took a moment to look up.

"Ky whoring himself off to anyone that wants him; the depravity, the humiliation. What's not to love?"

"Great! Then that's settled! Ky, I can be your pimp! I know some desperate chicks that I can hook you up with ASAP!"

"Oh Johnny, you'd make a great pimp," May said, her eyes faraway obviously envisioning Johnny clad in bling bling with a hoe on each arm, riding in a pimp mobile. She sighed dramatically. Too sexy!

"I can see it all now! A bishounen pimping service! Why I could make billions!"

"Johnny, that's actually a really great idea!" Millia said, somewhat surprised that Johnny had come up with it.

"Really? Do you find it to be a turn on?" Johnny asked, inching nearer to her.

"Hell no! Get away from me you disgusting freak!"

"Everyone shut up!" Ky shouted. Everyone shut up and looked at him.

"Johnny, I appreciate the offer really but what about my priesthood?"

The entire restaurant burst out laughing.

"Who the fuck wants to be a priest? Besides, most of them molest little children these days anyway. You have a better chance of being holy as my manwhore."

"But-But what about my feelings?"

"We respect those too Ky but you don't really have any other choice. You've got nothing but your dirty boxers and none of us has any money to lend you right now."

"Can I be one of your whores too?" asked Zato.

"Yes, yes you can," Johnny said and patted him on the head. Zato grabbed his hand and started rubbing it against his cheek.

"Stop that!" May smashed Zato into the ground with her anchor (ie. HS). "Only I may have that privilege!"

Suddenly Jam rematerialized with a pack of cards.

"Alright, Kylie! Jammy Jam's back and she's brought cards," she tore open the package and hastily shuffled. "Blackjack, if I win, I get your boxers!"

"Oh Jam, you don't want those," Anji said, shaking his head. "They haven't been washed in three days!"

"Soiled boxers?" a euphoric expression crossed her features and she moaned ever so slightly. "Oh thank you god!"

"Quit talking and deal bitch!" Ky said, a crazed expression in his eyes.

All the other girls in the restaurant stretched their necks forward, hoping for Ky to lose.

"Uh oh," Milla mumbled to herself. As much as she had to admit Ky was kind of cute, she was not in the mood for penis today. "Look who's on TV!" she shouted arbitrarily praying that it would work and by some strange twist of fate, everyone turned their attention to the neglected TV in the upper left corner of the restaurant.

"It's Faust!" Ky exclaimed, surprised.

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen! Today we meet with the man that single handedly revived disco and revitalized the fabled Afro with his obscenely successful super global megastore, Afroworld!"

"Disco!" Axl said in disbelief. "Man that shit was old even in my century!"

"Mr. Faust, how does it feel to own the most successful entrepreneur on the face of the planet? How does it feel to revive trends that have been forgotten for more than two centuries?"

"Well," Faust began, an enormous afro sticking out of his paper bag. "It feels pretty damn good. I'm filthy stinking rich now!"

A troupe of scantily clad women with afros began to giggle and caress Faust.

"How does it feel to be voted the sexiest man alive by every magazine on the planet?"

"It feels sooooo sexy!"

"I'm sure it does. Mr. Faust, is there anything you'd like to say to the audience out there?"

"Yes, yes indeed I do," Faust took the microphone. "Millia my sweet, sweet treasure, I know you're watching this right now. As you can see I'm filthy rich now. You can't possibly resist my sexual powers now! Any of these girls could be mine but you are the one I desire! I think about you all the time…"

Faust removed a photo from his coat and licked it, then quickly put it away again.

"Come to me my darling! Nothing can keep us apart now! My address is at the bottom of the screen, come to my now and become my bride!"

They sat there for a while in awed silence.

"Wow Millia, are you going to take him on his offer?" Jam asked, dreams of Ky's boxers momentarily forgotten.

"I don't know…" she murmured softly. "I mean of course not but he's so- he's so sexy!"

"What about me Millia?" Johnny asked, grabbing her arm. "Aren't I sexy enough for you!"

"Don't touch me freak!" she shouted in disgust. "You're not sexy at all!"

Johnny turned away, hurt.

"Don't worry Johnny, I still think you're sexy," said May.

"There there, there there," Potemkin patted Johnny on the shoulder.

"Hey, why don't I go to Faust and ask him for money! The TV did say he was filthy rich! You guys can come with me, you could all use the extra cash."

"Hmm… not a bad idea Ky. I have always wanted a deadly prosthetic arm," Baiken said pensively. "Preferably something with a hook of some sort."

"I think you're perfect just the way you are," Anji said, moving closer to her.

"Shut up Chesty!" Baiken snapped, bopping him over the head with her pipe.

"Yes m'am."

"Baiken, is that you?" Zato asked, fondling her breasts.

"How dare you!" Baiken shouted. Suddenly out of nowhere a floor mat materialized and sent Zato flying into the wall.

"I could really use some eye implants," he muttered as he slid to the floor.

"Then it's settled!" Ky exclaimed, his mood having improved considerably. "We're all going to Faust's!"

"I'll arrange the ride," Potemkin said as he slowly lumbered out of the restaurant. The others followed.

"Damn it," muttered Sol. "And I was so looking forward to seeing Ky whore himself off."

"Hey Kylie! You're paying for the repairs for my restaurant right?" she gestured around her. The place was a mess, strewn with indentations of Zato-1s body.

"Of course. I'll pay for the repairs as soon as I get so money from Faust," Ky promised, bowing to her unaware of how ridiculously hot it looked in his boxer shorts.

"Or you can just give me your boxers and all will be forgiven!" Jam suggested innocently.

"No, I don't think I'll be doing that," Ky left the restaurant.

"Damn it!" she cursed. "Well no matter, as god as my witness I swear I shall have Ky's boxers!"

And with that she quickly hurried after the others. They were going to Faust's!

3: The Faust House

They arrived early the next morning at the Faust House. The place was a palace, making the queen's own domicile look like a shithole. When they knocked on the door, none other than Faust himself answered.

"Hello there! Why Millia I see that you've decided to become my bride! Excellent decision!"

"Actually no…" she paused as she began to fall under the allure of Faust's undeniable sexual power. "Look can we come in first!

"Of course! How rude of me! Come in, come in!"

Faust led them into a huge lounge that I don't feel like going into detailed description about. Use your own damn imaginations. On the way all of them, except Zato, cautiously guarded their backsides in case Faust returned to old habits. Sadly Potemkin was not among them for he had business to attend to at Zepp. Poor guy, he doesn't know what he's missing out on. Actually, I completely forgot about him as I wrote this part.

"Have a seat, have a seat," he said, gesturing at the large expensive sofas. The whole house stank of opulence.

They sat down and as they sank into the cushions their asses never felt better and safer in their whole life. Well, everyone except Zato who got lost somewhere in the halls and was now walking into walls.

"So, if you have not brought Millia here to be my bride then are you here to grovel at my feet for a share in my fabulous wealth."

Ky looked at him for a moment, "Well yes, actually that's exactly why we're here."

And then Ky burst in the whole long, boring explanation of how he lost everything except his dirty boxers, which I'm not going to pain you with here. Throughout all this a great light went off in Faust's head and he devised the perfect plan to get Millia to marry him. It was so simple and yet so ingenious that only he could have devised it. Heh, and to think originally all he wanted to do was flaunt his fabulous wealth in their faces!

"I see," said Faust after sitting through the lengthy tale. "I have an offer to make then. I will give you all 5 million dollars if you can convince Millia to marry me. You have three hours starting…"

He gazed at his watched and they waited…

And waited…

And waited…

And waited…

Until finally, "Now!"

Everyone crowded around Millia and Faust left the room. He wondered what was on TV.

"Oh Millia, think of the children!"

"Please Millia, do it for me!"

"He's so sexy Millia, you'd be a sucker not to do it!"

"Think of all the add-ons to the ship!"

"Do it for Johnny!"

"Think how much more efficient I could be with a prosthetic arm with a meat hook!"

"I could finally buy a change of underwear!"

Millia tried to shout above them but to no avail. The phalanx only grew tighter and she resigned herself to sit out the three hours. She sighed, bored. What was on TV?

Part 4: There's Something About Millia

Faust sang with gusto as he rummaged about in his kitchen cupboards.

"I don't want anybody else…"

There was nothing good on TV, just a bunch of cheesy Soprahs (after the collapse of the soap industry, soap opera was condensed into Soprah in honour of Oprah Winfrey who died of congestive heart failure during an interview with Spike Lee) which one could basically equate with soft porn. Despite what many thought, Faust wasn't an ass-stabbing sex maniac. He was not so different from anyone else.

"When I think about you..."

Now where was that thing he was looking for.

"I touch myself, ooooh…"

His eyehole came to rest upon a glass vial. Aha!

"I don't want anybody else, oh no, oh no, oh no!"

He was somewhat perplexed. Why had Millia refused to marry him? Surely she wanted him, no woman could resist his sexual powers. Hell, few men could even resist him. Still, Millia was a stubborn angel but he'd win her over in the end. He doubted that the incompetent ones would be able to convince her to marry him so he had a contingency plan prepared just in case.

Love Potion #7! He was all out of #9.

It was cheating perhaps but she would be his in the end. He glanced at his watch, the three hours were up now. Snatching the bottle into his long spidery hands he walked back to the others, whistling all the way.

"So Millia my sweet, have you finally come to your senses and agreed to become my bride in holy matrimony?"

"No, I'm sorry Faust…"

"But why? Am I not good enough for you? Am I not sexy enough?"

"You're almost too sexy Faust but I just don't love you!"

The others watched on with tears in their eyes. Such a beautiful moment it almost brings a tear to my eye.

"You don't love me? Is that all?"

Millia nodded. Faust removed the crystal vial from the folds of his coat. Millia's nose twitched.

"Well then, take a whiff of this!" Faust sprayed the liquid.

"ACHOO!"

"Well my sweet, sweet treasure. Do you love me now?" Faust asked, getting down on one knee.

"Nope, I still feel the same."

"Damn it!" Faust chucked the half empty vial down the hall where it landed with a clunk. "Well that was a waste of time."

"Millia," Ky said, blinking his eyes as though he couldn't believe what he was seeing. "I never realized how… beautiful you were!"

"Oh Millia, you're so much sexier than my old girlfriend," Axl murmured in a pleasant daze.

"Faust, what did you do?" Millia asked, fear creeping into her voice.

"Not to worry," he replied as he skipped out of the room. "I'll be right back sweet, sweet treasure."

"Back off Johnny!" Anji said angrily, shoving Johnny back. "She's mine."

"No way, she obviously belongs with me fanboy! Attack him for me May!"

"Millia, you should be with me. You see this anchor here?" May gestured with the anchor and whispered scandalously. "You wouldn't believe how many uses it's got!"

"Get away from me you dirty girl!" Millia whipped May with her hair, sending her flying.

"She really loves me," said the crumpled form of May.

"These amateurs don't know how to take care of you. You need someone with experience," Jam whispered into her ear. "Someone like me."

"Getaway from her slut!" Baiken grabbed Jam with her one arm and flung her across the room. "The things I could with one arm, Millia they couldn't do with three…"

Sol rapped her at the back of her head with blunt end of the Fireseal. Before he Milla could run away he wrapped his arms around her, holding her prisoner against his hard muscled body.

"Kiss me Millia," he said throatily, his hot breath washing over her. "I don't have cooties."

Millia screamed and in a sudden flash of light, she burst out of Sol's iron grasp and began to run.

"Fighting your urges only makes it worse!" Sol cried as he chased after her, the others only a step behind him.

She ran for what seemed like an eternity in an endless labyrinth of halls. She might have run over Zato but she wasn't sure. In any case, good riddance to bad rubbish. At last she found that she could run no more and doubled over, panting like a bitch in heat.

Her pursuers did not look the least bit tired.

"Why aren't you tired?" she managed to force out between pants.

"We were driven by love," Sol said in a sickly sweet voice. "Now how about that kiss?"

Just that moment Faust walked in with that great medical thingy, you know the ass-stabber.

"Don't you dare lay you filthy hands on my sweet treasure!"

"Help me Faust!"

"I've brought the antidote, it's coated on the tip of my medical thingy. However, it must be administered through the rectum. Are you ok with that dearest?"

"Yes, just hurry!"

Sol lowered his face towards Millia's, lips puckered in anticipation.

And then SNICK, Faust administered the medication through Sol's rectum.

Sol screamed in pain, uncharacteristic for the gear.

"That was so hot Faust," Milla breathed.

"So you liked that huh?" Faust walked behind Ky. "Well how about this?"

Ky screamed in pain.

"Oh yes!" Millia moaned.

"How about this?"

Johnny screamed.

"Oh yes!" Millia cried out, eyes closed in ecstasy.

"How about this?"

Anji screamed.

"OH YES!"

"How about this?"

Axl screamed.

"YES! OH YES!"

"And how about this, this, and this?"

Jam, May, and Baiken all screamed.

"OH YES YES YES YES YES!"

Millia ran up to Faust and threw her arms around him.

"Marry me Faust! Make me yours!"

"I reluctantly accept."

And the two stood there embracing and making out for an inappropriately long time. The others gazed at them with confusion etched across their faces.

"What happened?" Ky asked softly, and then howled in pain as he tried to get up.

"Each one of you has just won 5 million dollars! Get some rest now, you'll get the money in the morning."

"Yay," Ky uttered a small cheer before falling unconscious like the others, with a very sore ass.

Epilogue

Faust married Millia a week later and gave each of the GG crew 5 million dollars as promised. Now Millia sports a full, luscious afro. Ky never did become a priest. He had 5 million dollars. Why the fuck would he want to become a priest? However, he did pay for the repairs of Jam's restaurant as promised. As for Jam, she fulfilled her oath as she received Ky's dirty boxers for a birthday present. She has never washed them since. As for Johnny, he did begin a bishounen pimping service and it made him the second richest, second sexiest man in the world. No one could be richer or sexier than Faust or Millia and he learned to accept that. May still pines away for Johnny and still he doesn't not see her that way but she believes that one day they will be together. Baiken finally got the prosthetic arm with the meat hook she'd been yearning for and now nobody dares crack any jokes about her "disability". The last man to do that had his liver torn out. And finally Axl, Anji, and Potemkin, well no one gives a shit about them and neither do I. Let's just say they all lived happily ever after. Oh and as for Zato, he still wanders aimlessly in Faust's fabulous mansion. They say that if you listen carefully you can hear him at night, crashing into walls.

A/N: Well how did you enjoy my desecration of the English language with this vulgar offering from the bottomless cesspool of depravity otherwise known as my sense of humour? Feel free to flame.


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